hide and pretend

Historically, it has been easier to hide
and pretend
that being alone
isn’t also sometimes
loneliness

 

2016 was quite the year. I’ve come back to life a bit. I still feel though, at times, that it’s happening too slowly. I know it can’t be rushed, no matter how much I want to be open, receptive, and demonstrative now. I hope I can manage to keep the forward momentum, enough so that things keep going in the direction they seem to be.

It’s been a long time.
But I’m excited again.
And I’m nervous. So nervous!
If I can just stop overthinking.
If I can just relax and breathe.
If I can loosen up and play.
I think I could really enjoy this.
I know I could.
Get out of your head.

 

unworthy

Why is it
I so very readily
doubt the good things

but never seem to
question
the bad?

I know one day you will leave me.
I know one day you will grow tired.
I know someday I’ll stop hearing from you.
I will not be surprised if you do not like me
for who I am,
or if you only ever really wanted
a way into
my bed.

But you take your time.
No pressure.
No rush.
All respect and kindness–

No sign or signal
to even hint
that you are just waiting
to hurt me in the end.

My mind just never seems to tire
of trying to convince me
of just how unworthy I am.

the collapse

“I’m surprised that’s the first thing you’d change,”
you tell me over the phone,
miles apart.

You’re referring to the bruises,
large black blooms around my
thighs, knees, calves

Souvenirs from the injections–
hundreds of needles
collapsing years of insecurity
and the thin spider webs,
the tiny purple rivulets,
that used to wind their way
across my skin.

“Now that you’ve ruined the moment”
you say, in the moment,
ruining more than I ever could when,
pants off,
I first explained the sight.

“What would you have me change first?”
I ask

“I don’t know. Your vision – get rid of the glasses and wear contacts.
Dress sexier.”

Why didn’t you just say
exactly what you meant
Which is to say that I must change all of me
it all must go
everything is wrong
and I am not worthy of your love

it would have been better
and closer to the truth

Awake

I wanted you to know that I was awake as you slept.
I felt you move closer and hold me,
felt you unconsciously kiss my nose,
lost somewhere deep within a dream.

We are not lovers and we never have been.
And, likely, never will be.

But I was awake while you were sleeping.
And I wanted to tell you
that I liked lying awake
next to you.

 

Another older one I thought I’d bring to live here.

No Signal

Your lack of effort tells me more
Than your behavior when we’re near
Convenience and boredom have a funny way of acting like interest
And it leaves me frustrated and cold
When all I want’s a little warm

 

An old poem from I wanted to give a new home here on this blog.

intentions

ruse to bruise
wrong to right
there is no blame
just a blunted point

 

Some thoughts I let play out on paper instead of in my head.

Not everyone’s intentions are good, but not everything we perceive to be is really there. Sometimes it’s just a projection of your own fear.