I want to show you who I am,
share with you,
let you in.
I want to get to know you,
to learn your heart and mind.
But there’s such a great distance
from wanting and beginning
And I don’t know where
“I could make you dinner” —
a light turned on behind your eyes,
and then, almost immediately, you seem
to change your mind.
Too much too soon, maybe,
after nearly 24 hours
spent in each others
But it’s a sweet thought,
idea. And heartening
you even thought of it at all.
We are both human
and none of this is perfect –
I was nervous and so were you.
I hope there is more to come
I wanted to kiss you –
I should have done.
But something held me back.
It was me, really, all along,
too afraid of the cleaner truth –
That forging connection
is more fearful and more
Than facing the world alone
It’s time to get out of your comfort zone, self.
Hasn’t it always been worth it before?
Historically, it has been easier to hide
that being alone
isn’t also sometimes
2016 was quite the year. I’ve come back to life a bit. I still feel though, at times, that it’s happening too slowly. I know it can’t be rushed, no matter how much I want to be open, receptive, and demonstrative now. I hope I can manage to keep the forward momentum, enough so that things keep going in the direction they seem to be.
It’s been a long time.
But I’m excited again.
And I’m nervous. So nervous!
If I can just stop overthinking.
If I can just relax and breathe.
If I can loosen up and play.
I think I could really enjoy this.
I know I could.
Get out of your head.
Fear can also be a choice.
Anxiety knots, but
if you take your
you can coax them free again.
Don’t let what is all in your head
deter you from something that could be so good
Why is it
I so very readily
doubt the good things
but never seem to
I know one day you will leave me.
I know one day you will grow tired.
I know someday I’ll stop hearing from you.
I will not be surprised if you do not like me
for who I am,
or if you only ever really wanted
a way into
But you take your time.
All respect and kindness–
No sign or signal
to even hint
that you are just waiting
to hurt me in the end.
My mind just never seems to tire
of trying to convince me
of just how unworthy I am.
“I’m surprised that’s the first thing you’d change,”
you tell me over the phone,
You’re referring to the bruises,
large black blooms around my
thighs, knees, calves
Souvenirs from the injections–
hundreds of needles
collapsing years of insecurity
and the thin spider webs,
the tiny purple rivulets,
that used to wind their way
across my skin.
“Now that you’ve ruined the moment”
you say, in the moment,
ruining more than I ever could when,
I first explained the sight.
“What would you have me change first?”
“I don’t know. Your vision – get rid of the glasses and wear contacts.
Why didn’t you just say
exactly what you meant
Which is to say that I must change all of me
it all must go
everything is wrong
and I am not worthy of your love
it would have been better
and closer to the truth
I wanted you to know that I was awake as you slept.
I felt you move closer and hold me,
felt you unconsciously kiss my nose,
lost somewhere deep within a dream.
We are not lovers and we never have been.
And, likely, never will be.
But I was awake while you were sleeping.
And I wanted to tell you
that I liked lying awake
next to you.
Another older one I thought I’d bring to live here.
Your lack of effort tells me more
Than your behavior when we’re near
Convenience and boredom have a funny way of acting like interest
And it leaves me frustrated and cold
When all I want’s a little warm
An old poem from I wanted to give a new home here on this blog.
I don’t think it was the plan
I don’t think it was an elaborate scheme
but you never can be sure
are capable of