good things

you can’t rush the
good things.
No matter how much
you wish
you were at the point
where you could confidently
place your hand on his
trousers
and gently
——-but firmly
rub him–
already knowing every way
to make him
squirm

This was inspired by a Faith47 video piece I saw on Instagram. Check it out:

Curves.

A video posted by FAITH XLVII (@faith47) on Jan 2, 2017 at 7:13am PST

(find it here, if the above isn’t working)

arrogance

I don’t know what you thought this was
but it was far from love.

My midnight confession was only a fact-
a simple admission,
not a heaping of meaning on anything more
than just a good feeling.

I’m no moon-eyed school girl
looking up at you
in admiration.

I’m a grown ass woman
who doesn’t need
your validation.

I hope that you and your ego will be happy
together.

As for me?

I’ll be just fine.

-bb

Just some things I never got to say. Some thoughts that came way too late.
I wish you all the best-
It was short, fun, and
you’re nice enough, but there’s still learning to do.
I don’t hold anything against you.
Just never forget, I’m gonna be just fine-
Already, I am.

Hell yeah! That felt good.

over coffee

“I could make you dinner” —
a light turned on behind your eyes,
and then, almost immediately, you seem
to change your mind.

Too much too soon, maybe,
after nearly 24 hours
spent in each others
company.

But it’s a sweet thought,
gesture,
idea. And heartening
you even thought of it at all.

We are both human
and none of this is perfect –
I was nervous and so were you.

I hope there is more to come

the choice

I wanted to kiss you –
I should have done.
But something held me back.
It was me, really, all along,
too afraid of the cleaner truth –
That forging connection
is more fearful and more
difficult
Than facing the world alone

It’s time to get out of your comfort zone, self.

Hasn’t it always been worth it before?

hide and pretend

Historically, it has been easier to hide
and pretend
that being alone
isn’t also sometimes
loneliness

 

2016 was quite the year. I’ve come back to life a bit. I still feel though, at times, that it’s happening too slowly. I know it can’t be rushed, no matter how much I want to be open, receptive, and demonstrative now. I hope I can manage to keep the forward momentum, enough so that things keep going in the direction they seem to be.

It’s been a long time.
But I’m excited again.
And I’m nervous. So nervous!
If I can just stop overthinking.
If I can just relax and breathe.
If I can loosen up and play.
I think I could really enjoy this.
I know I could.
Get out of your head.

 

unworthy

Why is it
I so very readily
doubt the good things

but never seem to
question
the bad?

I know one day you will leave me.
I know one day you will grow tired.
I know someday I’ll stop hearing from you.
I will not be surprised if you do not like me
for who I am,
or if you only ever really wanted
a way into
my bed.

But you take your time.
No pressure.
No rush.
All respect and kindness–

No sign or signal
to even hint
that you are just waiting
to hurt me in the end.

My mind just never seems to tire
of trying to convince me
of just how unworthy I am.

the collapse

“I’m surprised that’s the first thing you’d change,”
you tell me over the phone,
miles apart.

You’re referring to the bruises,
large black blooms around my
thighs, knees, calves

Souvenirs from the injections–
hundreds of needles
collapsing years of insecurity
and the thin spider webs,
the tiny purple rivulets,
that used to wind their way
across my skin.

“Now that you’ve ruined the moment”
you say, in the moment,
ruining more than I ever could when,
pants off,
I first explained the sight.

“What would you have me change first?”
I ask

“I don’t know. Your vision – get rid of the glasses and wear contacts.
Dress sexier.”

Why didn’t you just say
exactly what you meant
Which is to say that I must change all of me
it all must go
everything is wrong
and I am not worthy of your love

it would have been better
and closer to the truth